8. Do you really love me?

The energetics of saying "I love you" flippantly.

Blog Overview: Unconditional Love // Unconscious Behaviors // Undoing

I love you…words spoken all too casually, used as an arbitrary filler to hold the space of discomfort at the end of dialogue, like a version of “good bye,” but one that makes the speaker feel as if they have adhered to the rules of loving conversation.

Tell me, what do you love? Do you love the feeling you get when you see me? Or is it that you love my appearance today? Are you feeling grateful for our interaction? The dance we shared? Or is it as simple as appreciating the smile I wear in public, that crescent-shaped facade I’ve learned to put on because people react more positively to that than my sadness?

Is it that drilled in you to say those three words…that you have to vomit them every time you see someone you know of and with whom you exchange surface-level conversation? Does saying “I love you” help your spiritual nature access oneness, presence, and acceptance?

“See the Love of God in you, and you will see it everywhere because it is everywhere” (90, A Course in Miracles).

You feel the Truth in that quote, right? So, you throw around those “I love yous” hoping one day it will land with the vibration that those words carry.

In all seriousness, what is really going on within you?

Would you still go out of your way to tell me that you love me when I’m thick in grief, loaded with baggage, crying my eyes out? Or are you only available when it’s convenient? Do you only see me in unification when I am in a peak moment?

I, as in Riddle Liddle, the optimist with more critique these days than praise, am of the opinion that you don’t really love me when you say those three very potent words: I. Love. You.

I: The internal landscape composed of the ego and the Divine working in harmony with Nature.

Love: Where there are no conditions, just absolute acceptance and appreciation.

You: The “other,” encapsulated in a human-vessel with a unique story of highs and lows, which “I” only know through the lens of what “you” have been vulnerable enough to share.

Why say “I don’t believe you when you say I love you”? Well, because I don’t feel the resonance of those words from your being. I see the conditionality to your words. I sense you saying it because it’s appropriate, or that you want something from me, or want to be me. Perhaps it’s the ego using the present moment as a means to an end. Maybe I can get her to like me more if I say “I love you” every time I see her!? But you don’t know me! How could you? I’ve only given you glimpses, usually cheerful ones, so what about me do you love? The girl who is pretending that everything is fine and dandy?

When I catch myself carelessly tossing around those three words to people I barely know, I have a bit of a chuckle within, grateful for the opportunity to pinpoint my intention. I’m on this topic for Blog #8 because…well, because it’s what is current and “up” for me right now. This is important to mention because I’m pointing fingers at all the times people have said to me “I love you” without actually meaning it…and three fingers are pointing back at me, signaling my past tendency to do similarly.

Digging into this topic is interesting because I really want to explore, understand, and come into right relation with unconditional love. Honestly, with all the layers I’ve been shedding of late, all this death, I’m in a mode of contemplation around everything I’ve done up until this point. And I’m all too aware of an outdated identity structure of the people-pleaser, this nice girl archetype who bypasses her feeling center, putting a muzzle on when in reality she wants to scream at someone and say “Fuck you, asshole! I will not tolerate you treating me that way. That crosses a line.” But instead, she says, “I love you” and leans into the innocence of mankind, even when they indulge in the unconscious ways of relating.

Let me pop off my platform and bow to my little inner-child who does in fact love everyone. Thank you, sweet child, for your purity. You truly see the light in everyone, even if that sometimes means you pretend you don’t see their shadows.

But when they are acting from their darkness, when you feel the stories they’re projecting, the ways they objectify you, and all their unconscious behaviors, why do you enable that behavior? Why make it “okay” and even “lovable”? Does it feel safer to tell them “I love you” so you can skirt the discomfort of witnessing them in their heaviness? Do you want to avoid any potential conflict?

I think it’s that I feel scared to use my power for change.

What if I were to actually be honest with these people and reflect their unconscious patterns? Would they hate me? Would I lose all my friends? Will they still love me if I show them the ways they self-sabotage, thinking it’s safer in the same old costume they wear, that character they convince themselves that they are, through and through?

Or, do I play it safe and be the nice girl who only points out their light, focusing on the positive while ignoring or even enabling the shadow.

The past version of me loved with many conditions.

When something doesn’t go her way,

…when someone wastes her time,

…when the experience didn’t meet her expectations,

…when she pushes but life doesn’t budge,

she becomes cruel.

She is only concerned with her (lowercase) will, the ego’s desires, and will do anything, from manipulating situations to exploiting her lifeforce, to get what she wants. If friends don’t live up to her expectations, she cuts them out of her life. Someone does something she doesn’t like, SLASH! She uses her sword to sever all connection.

Can you believe it? This sweet girl? Cruel?

No, the true me is far from cruel. She is one of the most loving beings I know. She has a soft spot for tears and loves when people ask for a hug when they are feeling sad. In the midst of suffering, she feels the whole world suffering. She is deep and wildly sensitive, learning that she has the capacity to hold all of existence in her womb…while discerning what is truly hers to carry.

But she learned growing up that love is entirely conditional. She received praise and reward (via money, validation, and words of affirmation) when she succeeded or was good and received punishment (via hostile communication, neglect, and lack of emotion tenderness) when she was wrong or bad. She learned that love is conditional to her joy and that she must repress what’s real for her because people won’t love her if she shows them her shadows and failures.

And for so long that is the kind of love I’ve shared with the “you” in “I love you.”

I’m sorry for emphasizing my love for you when you were at a peak. I’m sorry for not making space in my heart or extending you care when you were low. I’m sorry I didn’t take time to check in on you when I knew you were hurting. I’m sorry that I made a story of you not being “worth my time” when you weren’t “meeting my expectations.”

I’m no proponent of neglecting one’s standards and carrying everyone through their tough times. There is no way I have space for that much, nor do I think it’s valid, appropriate, or beneficial for everyone to carry nor shed light on every unconscious pattern of the collective for others.

However, I am willing to love you through all your layers, even those unconscious ones. For to do so for you is to do so within myself. May I be your true friend and serve you when I see you clearly in delusion. May I take the courageous step and help you see that you’re not being true to yourself. Because, yes, I can see the true you. Yes, I can feel when you’re not being authentic. And I’ll still love you through that! But the new me is no longer willing to enable, indulge in, nor ignore those unconscious patterns. I’m here for far greater things than that…

“See the Love of God in you, and you will see it everywhere because it is everywhere.”

Dear me,

Please don’t think that someone is worthy of love only when you deem them worth it. Love is not conditional to your standards of worthiness. And you have nothing to prove to be worthy of love. You are inherently worthy of love, my darling.

I love you.

Riddle

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