9. A love poem that closed the heart.

Giving, but expecting a return.

Blog Overview: Ego Art // Giving // Expectations

What does it mean to share your heart?

Can you sit still enough to access the parts of yourself that yearn to be heard and shared with the world? No judgement. No expectations of outcome. Just an innate curiosity led by inspiration. Pure creative genius, wherein the conduit is of service, humbly bowed to the True Creator: God, Source, the Divine.

Even more challenging, can you share those parts of yourself with loved ones without needing them to validate you?

By the way, when I ask these questions, please note that I’m asking MYSELF! These blogs are an inner-world investigation that I reveal to my readers, making vulnerability more permissible. Use these blogs however you’d like, whether that is to understand me, Riddle Liddle, a bit more, or simply to use them as a means to contemplate the cosmic riddle of life itself.

I thought that after three years of internal work on EGO ART my intention for sharing creations would be purer. Giving is a gift, a contribution to someone else’s experience. Giving from a place of wanting in return is using life as a means to an end. It’s manipulative.

Lo and behold, after all that inner work, I still have an identity structure that surfaces and wants a return when she gives. She closes her heart, never satisfied and defeated by life, when her creations don’t immediately get her something. A means to an end….Such a subtle fucker.

When sharing art, she wants words of affirmation, a monetary exchange, an emotional body-response, and/or feedback that feels poetic, romantic, and equally passionate. Regardless of the reflections she receives, no matter how positive and encouraging, they are never enough. She is never enough.

This feeling arose recently after sharing an original poem with my partner.

She said she loved it several times, remarked on a particular line she enjoyed with sweet laughter, and then eventually moved on, commenting on all the laundry she had done that day and was still in the process of doing.

Immediately after receiving that reflection, I shut down. My breath became shallower, my Body tense and rigid, and my Mind went to self-defeat.

She’d rather do laundry than listen to my love poem…

What do I have to do to make her love me more?...

Even a romantic poem won’t open her…

She didn’t really like it…

I made the gift about me. I wanted her to drool for me, see me as a Goddess, and essentially boost my ego. I wanted Saora to put her entire life on pause and give me her undivided attention, which was, in essence, negating her authentic experience and putting myself above her.

Did you catch that?

“…and give me her undivided attention…”

I want to play with the dual connotation of the word present.

It truly is a present to give your entire presence to the moment. The present tense softens, the Eye is fully with the miracle of Now, and all else fades away. To truly be present and receive the Now as a gift, one must let go of their stories of what happened or what may happen and simply be with what currently is.

But instead…the Mind dictates:

- I broke her trust, and she still doesn’t fully trust me.

- She was doing laundry. And she will when this phone call ends.

- I was driving. Now, I’m reading her a poem. Then, I’ll go inside and chant Krsna.

- She “loved my poem”.

- She loves me not.

- She loves me. - She loves me not.

Michael Alan: "Blue Skull Mind Chatter"

There’s no way to receive from the Mind, because it steals the moment, displacing one in a false reality, which is entirely ego-based, no matter how hopeful or defeated it looks. Inasmuch, it is not possible to give from the Mind. You give from the Heart, the Body.

But I wanted to feel the effect of her presence. I wanted to define the energetic she was in, negating what was true and alive for her in that moment, so I could feel good about myself and thereby feel closer to her. As if her appreciation (defined by me…) would unlock new layers of deeper intimacy…how naïve and self-centered.

In a book called “The Awakened Women’s Guide to Everlasting Love,” London Angel Winters uses the example of a wife preparing an extravagant meal, setting a romantic vibe with candles, and dressing to the 9s, but all for want. Her man comes home exhausted from a long day at work and is unable to energetically meet the moment, leaving her disappointed because her expectations did not manifest. She was so attached to hot, intimate connection and sex that she was utterly defeated when his battery was too empty to give her the attention and adoration she desired.

Here’s my current struggle with the situation:

The wife could’ve just NOT invested her energy in that display. She could have stayed within the confines of routine. Instead, she wanted to spice things up because she was probably needing deeper connection. What’s the harm in that?

None, but we have to analyze the intention.

This gets tricky, because complacency (as in, not giving) is not at all what inspires connectivity. The “why bother” energy is the least effective way to spice things up. So how do we navigate showing up, initiating, and giving without expectations of an outcome? How does the wife spontaneously set a romantic mood to surprise her partner while not tethering to her idealized outcome of sweaty, subtle, sultry, kinky kitchen sex?

Back to my example with reading my partner a poem and my ego not getting the validation she desired…

Fortunately, I have enough experience and self-awareness to be able to feel my heart closing, the internal shut-down creating a self-sabotage scenario. I immediately shared my experience, which was challenging because the least sexy thing after reading a love poem inspired by your partner is to make it about you. But I needed to be honest about my reaction and closing, for myself and for Saora. We are very connected, so she can feel when I lose touch with my heart. We track the energy so that we stay open to one another, in order to evolve into deeper connection, no matter how uncomfortable it feels.

I explained that I felt an internal closure because my ego’s desire for validation was not met. I shared this not because I wanted her to enable my ego’s desires, rather, to simply be real with her, so that she may understand the process I’m going through.

The truth is, we cannot give with expectations of outcome. Though a part of me feels tempted to stop writing love poems and just give in, she’s not in the driver’s seat. Sometimes she’s a compulsive back-seat driver, but I’m learning how to distance myself from her. Instead, I’m called to give with absolute wholeness, no need for the gift to have an impact.

It’s like reading a book that shifts my entire perception of reality, then sharing with a friend.

They could:

1. Not read the book.

2. Read the first few paragraphs or first chapter, then lose interest and let it get dusty on their bookshelf.

3. Find the book helpful, or even devour it, equally inspired!

4. Or maybe they never bother reading it.

Either way, that’s for them to experience.

In all honesty, the inspired moment of channeling the poem was so pure, so loving, and so NOT self-centered. I wanted to poetically reveal my heart-song. The poem was a gift to ME from God, delivered to Saora. I received the medicine of the poem when I was in the process of channeling it. It got all twisted with the ego when I shared it with Saora with the hopes that it would help us move out of a less energetically titillating phase.

But I’m getting to know this part through and through, and I see the root. The goal is to acknowledge that there are times when I still attach to outcome (probably more times than I’m willing to admit) and to get radically honest with myself when I’m giving.

This work is enthralling to me, even when uncomfortable, because it means I’m being called to step into a truer version of myself. Eventually when I’m giving, I’ll have a clear choice: buy into the old narrative of giving with expectations, or simply give abundantly!

For now, I leave you all with deep trust that I’m exactly where I need to be in this journey. Perfectly imperfect.

Peace be with us on this magical Full Moon. And remember, we are infinite and, if willing, can always open to greater joy and pleasure.

- Riddlez

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