4. Dancing with the Shadow

Exploring the Grey Space between Death and Rebirth

Blog Overview: Grey Space // Heaven on Earth // Dance Alchemy // Integration

In A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose, Eckhart Tolle says: “A new heaven” is the emergence of a transformed state of human consciousness, and “a new earth” is its reflection in the physical realm (pg 30).

In other terms: as above, so below.

As one enters the new, one must leave something behind. One cannot, for example, be involved in polyamory if they have consciously agreed to enter a monogamous partnership.

This necessary duality – that of death and rebirth – is the crux of alchemy, wherein one may transcend old beliefs/patterns and enter a higher state of consciousness.

I could summarize Tolle’s genius explanation, but quite frankly, I couldn’t do him justice. Nor is that my goal. Instead, let’s discuss patterns, those stories you believe as the end-all-be-all. Let’s talk about what happens when you untangle the narratives that convince you that you’re XYZ…or when you are in the midst of an ego death and finally take responsibility for when you’ve acted out of integrity. It’s when you’re willing to stop chasing thoughts, dissect habitual ways of existing, end relationships, quit a job or an addiction, etc. Let’s talk about the necessity of DEATH to transcend realities.

When you accept death, you’re truly available to ascend, to heal, and return to your true essence. But it’s not always as simply as 1 + 1 = 2. Death (black) leads to an emergence (white), but there is often a grey space of transition in between.

This grey space is called integration. The ascension codes need to settle and what one is leaving behind warrants some reflection.

A lover of mine once explained to me that when we expand into light (higher consciousness), our tendency is to balance with contraction. The ego is like, “oh shit, she figured it out! No, no, no. Fuck, we are going to lose her. Go into overdrive. Convince her she is safer with these old patterns. Flood her mind with delusional rewinds. Don’t let her escape the illusion.”

This grey space is uncomfortable in the most exciting way to me. But at this point, I experienced the light and know there is another more fulfilling option, the truth. Either I consciously chose to reenact old patterns knowing it will lead down the trodden path of suffering (even if I convince myself that it is enjoyable – i.e. eating processed foods or smoking cannabis without intention) OR I choose to act with intelligence, which sometimes requires setting firm, loving boundaries. The real magic happens when you couple this with having the courage to show up and do the work until the upgrade becomes automized…until it becomes as fluid as the breath. Depending on what I'm leaving behind, this work may be all-consuming or more subtle. Regardless, there is a shedding process…an in-between state.

Let’s explore a concrete example. Thank you in advance for your loving awareness as you read my vulnerable share. There’s no point in pretending I’m perfect. I’m human, after all, with enough threads of ego to weave a janky quilt.

This example pertains to my involvement in an amazing ecstatic dance community here on Big Island, Hawai’i.

The dance floor is a place of subtle energetics and a revealing display of shadow. Here I meet my friends and strangers in creative contact, whether that be simply sharing a smile as we shimmy across the room or merge with one another, sharing our sweat. This tantric playground has so many layers of consciousness, many of which I have woven through inwardly and witnessed in others, from spiritual awakenings to disembodied thrashing about, unaware or even disrespectful of other dancers.

In the Summer of 2021, I arrived in this community as an amateur dancer with hardly any relationship experience. After over 200+ hours of shape shifting through the musical journey and cultivating dance partnerships, I have greater perspective around the topic of energetic exchanges, of the healthy and unhealthy sort. (One may argue that this term “healthy” is totally subjective. My point here is, there are simply layers of consciousness and once you ascend into higher realms, it becomes clear when people are engaged in lower frequencies.)

At a recent ecstatic dance, I had the opportunity of witnessing a past version of myself in the flesh of “other.” She was a beautiful latina woman around my age empowered by her eros and taking up a lot of space, physically and with her aura. She was on the hunt, searching for a partner to explore the safe dance container, which welcomes all expressions of liberation.

On the outside, many (especially women) may have felt empowered by her strong movements and willingness to fully dive into her partner’s contact. However, as observer who was once dancing similarly, I could see the leeching energy. All of her sacral fire was spilling out, drenching the dance floor with her unmet desires. And I was one of her targets.

Now, I must clarify that she was not doing anything wrong! No one ever is. Life is perfect, even the unconscious behaviors tethered to illusion. We must accept the shadow before it will transform. But we must also refrain from enabling the shadow. Enabling is calling something love when there is no light (no intelligence). Real love is balanced with light.

I knew the feeling she was searching for because I too have been in her position on countless occasions. I have an alter-ego named Subtle. She is a frisky kitten who loves pole dancing and exploring the vast spectrum of pleasure in dance. When Subtle came alive, she practically took control. She felt empowered and soon became addicted to the explosion of eros. She moved fast and brushed off interactions that suggested she wasn’t being considerate of people’s needs or even personal space. She went from 1st to 5th gear, bypassing the necessary shifts in between.

The energy on Big Island, the Root chakra island of the Hawaiian island chain, is raw and fiery, which was conducive to Subtle’s exploration. There is literally an active volcano on Big Island. Talk about as above, so below! I believe that for that reason so many women awaken their sexual confidence and power on the Big Island dance floor. For so long the shackles of sex shaming clanked, echoing patriarchal stories. Then, all of a sudden there is a safe space to openly explore one’s pleasure senses. No doubt many go wild with this unshackling!

Back to the latina woman. We shared several dances, but I kept having to take space because her energy was all over the place. She moved so fast, demanding in her lead to the point of me having to vocalize my needs to slow down, which she said she was unable to meet. “I’m not able to slow down.”

I was in the grey space, still receiving a past-self reflection who was out of balance but with the intelligence to recognize the energy as such.

There were old parts surfacing that wanted to bypass my needs to meet this woman in contact dance. I even gave her another chance to slow down with me even after she denied my request, but again, she was like a tornado. In the end, I took my leave, literally bowing to her, bowing to an old version of myself. Instead of lowering my frequency to match hers, I chose to honor my commitment to feeling all the layers of emotion that arise in the dance of life. I was no longer available to partners who unconsciously rush past and brush aside conflict or discomfort. If fact, I want to feel the full range of feelings because I understand the magic of emotion. Bypassing is a disservice to the self and lends itself to looping in stagnant paradigms. That is not a world I want to live in.

Let me tell you one thing…at first it was so uncomfortable to face all the times I engaged in intimate, sensual dances from an off-center place. I felt disgusted, embarrassed, ashamed, and angry because I was not meeting myself with integrity. I played the card of “the sacred slut” to justify my actions. In reality, I was using all these people to experience short-lived pleasure.

But I also recognized that I needed to experience being “the holy whore” since for most of my life I regarded my sexuality with shame. Once I became aware of my attachment to this identity, I went to the opposite extreme. For almost an entire moon cycle, I didn’t dance with anyone. I needed to get clear about my intentions with sharing in saucy dances and wanted to know what it felt like to experience a grounded juicy embodied dance.

Now that I’ve swung to both extremes of the pendulum, I’m in a stage of refinement.

Subtle is so welcome . She is not my true self, but an aspect of self. I welcome her as a costume, but I’m no longer addicted to the rush that she gives me. It’s when we attach to these characters that we lose our grounding. So Subtle is more than welcome to come out to play occasionally, but I’m more than just that...much more.

I felt grateful for the opportunity to communicate my needs with the latina woman and have my request denied. The Universe gifted me with a reflection that helped me see how I have upleveled while simultaneously allowing me to be of service to the woman, mirroring an example of self-wholeness in embodied pleasure, strong in my center.

During this same dance, I experience the counter opposite interaction. As I was in a slow, tender inward dance, a woman approached me with lots of consideration. We shared a bow, then slowly raised our hands to the heavens, and grounded our energy into the Earth together. We bowed again, our eyes holding a loving gaze and continued with our solo dance. She mirrored my true essence in that moment and showed me the world I want to live in, one of reverence and honesty.

It is always worth exploring the shadow and being willing to do away with unserving identities. Yes, there is discomfort in that grey space, but there is equal parts alchemy.

If your reality isn’t reflecting a world you want to live in, something within you needs to change. Trust that it will exactly when it’s meant to. Real healing is organic and will arise spontaneously. If I had the same experience with the latina woman two moons ago, I doubt I would’ve received the same opportunity to transcend old patterns.

May your dance of life be blessed with reflections of purity and innocence, joy and pleasure, balance and tranquility.

Peace be with us, Riddlez

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(Cover Image Credits: Duality by Douglas Meddaugh - 2022)